Nothing Was Meant to Be Ours (18, 20 Nov 2009)

did you know that i lost myself in you?
don't worry
i realize that it wasn't meant to be
nothing was meant to be ours
identities so entwined
i forgot that i was me
and you, she.

did you know that when i said
[i love you]
i meant it?

it was the closest i could get
to loving myself.

but really, i love you for you
please know that is still true
and know that i miss you
and know that i wish it didn't have to be this way

i may have said something
that hurt you
and for that
i am sorry

you know:
i thought maybe we were weighted equally
that our give and take was beautifully
ying and yang

the future
it seemed
was only our plaything

i miss you
and the prospect
of seeing our paths
together
have you banished me to the other side?

i wrote you angry words last night
a string of syllables sounding off
marching me away from you
and though i'm no longer angry
i need you to know that i was

do me one last favor.
let me walk away.
it won't heal me any
in fact, it will probably make my wounds fester
so let me do it
and take joy
in my pain
count it against all the times i brought you down
it will be our last chance at actually being
equal measured good and bad
i'll wear dark clothes
and you'll wear bright yellow or some shit
just for symbolism
and we'll put everything on the table
cuz at this point it won't matter anymore
and when i say that i really did love you
i'll mean it
and when you stare back at me
saying nothing
i'll know that you'll end up writing about me someday
and that will make me angry
but we won't talk too loudly
we won't want others to overhear
and i'll shake your hand
and go out into the cold night
and that will be it

and in 20 years,
we'll have forgotten
and wonder why we no longer talk
but it'll be okay
that we don't

so.
i guess that's it.
i've said it.
i love you.
but i've gotta go.

a friend is one
who is free to favor

i guess i decided to stay
and you are free to remain
it is no longer about our past
it is about the future
my future
and your future
and i hope to god
they are beside one another
but
really
that's up to you